Listen To Others

We listen because we love. Paul Tillich writes, “The first duty of love is to listen,” and yet how rare it is to have anyone listen to us, even in the church. But you and I know that the church is to be marked by love. Ministries spend thousands of dollars and work long hours trying to convince people to listen to them. Our seminaries, colleges, and churches teach how to preach and sometimes even how to lead, but they do not do the best job of teaching us how to listen. A few years ago, I attended a two day – very intensive conference on Critical Incident Stress Debriefing. In it, we did role playing and practiced the art of listening for the pain, the hurt, the question, the difficulty in the comments of others. Recently I lead a session in which people who responded to a traumatic and horrific scene sat and talked about what they had witnessed and the difficulties they had with processing it all. The key here was to listen well and hear more than what was being said. Sometimes listening well to what is not being said opens the doors for great ministry, prayer, and potential evangelism opportunities. Listen with an open mind and heart and not just for information or waiting your turn to speak, but to really listen.
The challenge of listening is that it requires a relationship, whereas preaching, teaching, and programs can be done in various non-personal ways. Jesus and Paul both serve as role models of how kingdom ministry should be done relationally. Jesus lived among His followers for thirty months and called them His friends. Paul loved the disciples at Thessalonica so much that he shared not only the gospel with them but his life as well (1 Thessalonians 2:8). A great question for us is: “Who are we really relational with and who do we listen too?”
Listening is one of the first skills we must learn. If we are in small groups, Life Transformation groups or any type of accountability group it is important that we listen well and learn the stories of others. Our aim in listening is to join in the Lord’s purpose for those we are connecting with and to hear where we might encourage them or pray for them. As with parenting, we can do lots of talking and telling, but listening to the dreams, fears, hurts and pain of our children opens the door for much ministry to take place.
Someone recently shared with me that they were intimidated by having me listen to them. Now they were not intimidated by me – but rather by the art of listening. It really got to them, since so few people ever took the time to listen to them. By asking them, “how they were really doing, or how something really made them feel?” they felt open to respond but yet intimidated. So few people genuinely listen or genuinely desire to know how someone is doing.
James 1:19 tells us: My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry,
Here are some keys that might assist you in listening:
1. Pay Attention
This truth seems obvious but with all the distractions it can be tough. If you really want to be a good listener, force yourself to pay attention to the speaker.
2. Listen for the Whole Message
This includes looking for meaning and consistency, or congruence, in both the speaker's verbal and nonverbal messages and listening for ideas, feelings, and intentions, as well as facts. Don’t cut someone off (this is so hard) and don’t just hear the pieces you want to hear. Again, listen for all that is being said and what is not said at all.
3. Hear Before Evaluating
Listen to what someone says without drawing a premature conclusion--suspend judgment while the other is talking. By questioning the speaker in a non-accusing manner, rather than giving advice or opinion, a listener can often discover exactly what the speaker has in mind--which may be quite different from what you assumed.
4. Paraphrase What Was Heard
Paraphrasing the speaker's words, and asking if that is what was meant, goes a long way to keeping communications open and interpretations correct. If you are uncertain about the meaning or intent behind the speaker's words, put the onus upon yourself to clarify, rather than waiting and hoping that the speaker will do that for you.
5. Is there anything else I should know?
What else would you like to tell me? This statement is a gold mine.
Identify your own poor listening habits – the times you jump in, make comparisons or do as someone recently did to me – doodle on paper the whole time I am talking. If you identify areas in which you listen poorly, you can begin to make an effort to change them.
Someone has said that, “That God made us capable of shutting our eyes and our mouths but not our ears.” So let us listen to what others have to say and most of all to God – he that has ears….let him hear.
Thanks for listening.
I love being your pastor,
Pastor Bernie Federmann


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